Lately, I feel like my relationship with God has been a roller-coaster. I’m trying to hang on tight, and have been having some wonderful highs along the way. But the last few months there have been a lot of lows. I feel like I’ve been given a difficult test, and most days I’m struggling to pass it.
When we got married, my husband and I agreed that he would wait for me to finish up my associates and then we would go away to school together and get our bachelor degrees. We had looked at a private college and fell in love with the way they did things. But we are not in debt, and the thought of going away to a college that was so extremely expensive and would definitely land us with years worth of debt didn’t seem right. And we made the decision. It wasn’t right, at least not then. We knew that God had other plans for us.
As we began waiting for an answer about where we should head next, I was comforted by knowing that I would not find the next step until I graduated. God knew my mind was already overloaded with the five classes I was taking, so I was patient, knowing the answer would come eventually.
Once school ended, I made the mistake of believing that what would come next would magically appear in my head right away. A week after finals, I looked at my husband with tears mixed with a little bit of anger. “I’m anxious and frustrated because I feel like I should be hearing what we are going to be doing next, but I’ve heard nothing. Am I missing something?” He giggled a little and told me that just because God was going to tell us after I graduated doesn’t mean the solution was going to appear within the week. He could not have been more right. And I was embarrassed at my foolishness.
So, I did some more waiting.
But my frustration was growing. I knew in my heart I was supposed to be patient. That it’s all about the waiting PROCESS and in the mean time I was supposed to smile and know that God had my back. After all, it says in Matthew that if He takes care of the birds how much more will He take care of me?
So it has been a constant battle.
I know I am supposed to wait, I am trying to be patient in waiting, but I’m failing because I feel like I’m trapped in limbo.
The other week I was telling God about this. Explaining how I didn’t know what to do, or where I was supposed to go. And I felt His warm hand on my shoulder and his quiet whisper say: “I haven’t told you what you are supposed to do next because you are already doing it. You need to learn to love others like I have loved, so that you can learn to love yourself.” For a while, I have felt that I was placed at my current job because I have made a large impact on the people I work with. A few weeks ago, God actually gave me some specific names of people I need to connect with. I really liked these people to begin with, so it isn’t as though my friendship would not be genuine, I just know now that if I am faithful with asking for His assistance in these relationships, the Holy Spirit will guide me. Not to get too off track, but I feel like God has captivated some people in his desire for them to know they are his Beloved. He has called them by name and brings people into their life to know they have been chosen. His love had no boundaries, and He will go to any length to make them see this love, even if that means using me in every way He can. And I can’t wait to be his vessel, to show other people that they are His beloved.
But besides knowing I am supposed to love others, I know nothing else. I’m struggling to understand what to do with my time. If I am being completely honest, I have ten to fifteen people at any time that I have promised to hang out with soon. I also have a marriage to balance, and a life. His life, one I want to give to Him completely, no holds back. My husband has been extremely understanding of me over the years, and I could not ask for anything better. I wonder how Jesus managed his time when he was on earth. Clearly people all over were attracted to Him, and wanted to His help or to hear His wisdom. I just wish I could find out the perfect balance for everything, and set proper boundaries.
I sort of feel like God has put me in one of those funny mazes without an end until the realization of what He has in store for us has hit me. And then the enemy thought it would be funny to add confusion to the mix to make my head spin. I know I’m supposed to love others. Got it. Check! Working on it every single day.
When people ask me what my husband and I are going to do now that I’m done with school I try to find comfort in telling them that we are “waiting on God.” Someone asked us if we weren’t supposed to be helping ourselves for God to help us. To which I replied that the Israelites waited 40 years to reach the promised land. I will wait as long as I have to to be captivated completely by Him.
But see what I said about my head going around in circles? It’s already going that direction in this post.
I was reading this book by Joyce Meyers called “The Battlefield of the Mind”. Last night I got to the conditions of the mind, and the book was saying that confusion is a tactic by the enemy to make us distracted from the voice of God. We can’t hear him when our mind is all over the place. It also said that wondering about things too often and for too long is not a good thing to do either. And I started tearing up. I prayed, hoping that I would be free of these abnormalities in my head, because I only want to be committed to the path ahead.
Are you beginning to see where all of my frustration is coming from? I see that there is goal ahead. I know in the meantime I’m supposed to be loving people with a big heart. I know I’m supposed to be listening for the voice of God in the darkness, and I’m doing an alright job. But stupid things called life get in the way and I don’t know how I still have a head on my shoulders or what turn I’m supposed to be making in the maze I’m trapped in.
All I know is that sometime in the future I see myself being a big time writer. I see myself on stage in front of thousands of people, reading poetry that has been handed to my brain cells by the hand of God. So I’m taking the time now to develop my writing skill, to write all of the thoughts that are swarming around in my brain every day. This alone is a task.
I’m praying to find a balance. Writing, friends, work, and husband. Oh, and the other duties life says an adult should complete.
I don’t what I’m asking for in this post. Maybe someone else to tell me they’ve felt the same thing. To feel some answers. Some revelation. To know that my friendships are working. Some encouragement. Something. I’m sick of not feeling ANYTHING, of feeling empty, of feeling blank about now. I’m sick of looking ahead and not focusing on now. I know the right answers, yet I’m somehow failing this test anyways.