Ravishedbrain

I know it has been a while since I’ve taken the time to write here. I apologize for my absence, but life has once again begun swirling about my feet like a whirlwind. Sometimes I wonder if I’m manic. Not seriously, but inquisitively. There will be lulls in my life in which getting out of bed seems as though it is the hardest thing I have to do all day, and I will live for the moment to get back into it, to escape into that non-existent reality of dreams. Other times I feel that there is so much life pushed behind the bars of my ribcage that at any moment my heart may go flying and hurdling through midair as I try to contain all of the dreams and passion coursing through my veins. 

I am unstoppable. 

My being is an entire beautiful universe that some day an astronaut will make millions learning how to explore. They will write about their discoveries, mostly entailing the vast unearthed space of my brain, that will cover hundreds of huge thousand-page books in hurriedman scrawlings. There will be documents released about the whereabouts of certain planets, the cosmos of my brain entirely new territory, and they will talk about the creation of my being in school, as each brain cell, all of its matter will be undocumented territory. There will be no explanation for the insurmountable desire to unearth all of its mysteries. 

There are times where wading through the endless stream of thoughts in my head feels like I am tugging at a drapery that will inevitably pull me into quicksand and the only memory that reminds me that I should be bedpartners with fear is the one that tells me that thereisnogoingback. A voice that says: remember lasttime? You’ll get lost out there somewhere in that vast universe of your infinite mind and never return to reality. 

But then I awaken and wonder firmly if I am even in reality. What defines my heart from the vastness of another? I cave into myself daily, feel the pressure of society pulling on each tendon of my body, in different, varied, hurried, painful directions like a vice. I cannot make up my mind sometimes. There are segments I feel that I must discover, today, now, immediately, but somehow the access code to this library of imagination is gone. 

I’m floating. 

Wilderness never felt more beautiful. But I could not be more complete in the feeling of being lost. For months now my compass has been leading me in different paths, so intertwined yet so confusing that I have believed the lie that I was going nowhere. And therefore in comes the feeling of being lost. Am I aimlessly wandering through life, and the only reason I am later discovered is because no one has ever failed at life so miserably? That’s not it. I know it. 

 

God what is this shit I’m writing? 

My mind has been swirling about like this for months. Or has it  been days that feel like months? I was convinced that taking that trip to California would be good for my insomnia, that I would be so exhausted upon my return that I would have no option but to go to bed like a “normal person”. To crawl under the covers, flip the invisible brain switch off, and pitter patter my eyes into dream land. I caught a cold when I got back that left me so completely drained that I had no choice but to submit my body to the sleep gods. I’m now on the road to feeling better. Last night I even made the attempt to shut off the computer early so that I could try reading to quiet my brain from the hundreds of senseless thoughts like above from thumping around my head like an unwanted ogre. Instead my eager heart wanted only to finish the damn book, not put it down. I willed myself one more page, then turned off the light and closed my shades. And then the thoughts started spilling out around the place that said I was too tired. Thoughts like: 

What about tomorrow? Job? What will I say to them? That darn book of poetry seeping out I need to work on. My goals. The future. Children. Marriage. 

And the list went on. It’s as though my brain knows, somewhere, that I’m desperately trying to rest and goes on high alert. A joke or something. Instead I spend the hours swirling around recipes for my life, throwing rose petals in the water hoping that the soothing splash will make the lights turn off. 

Fragmented. 

I don’t remember falling asleep last night. 

But I do know that the swarm of bees that followed me to bed last night, also followed my waking self today. They always do. At the end of the week the swarm is huge, and I have to take time like tonight, late in the night, to write it all down before something hard and deep inside me breaks. I fear that breaking. Fear that sometime my mind will go completely insane and everything good in my life will walk out and leave me desperate. 

The other half of my brain reminds me that some of the greatest writers and composers were clinically insane. Mad. Ill. And that their relationships were crazy, but no one really cared about that, all they cared about was the massive amount of amazing, prolific writing that poured from their endless cranial cavities. So there is hope if I the madness that I know is inside of me decides one day to boil to the surface and expand, volcano like. 

I wish I had a more stable blog post to present to you tonight, but my thoughts are everywhere right now. It could be as a result of a lot of things. The fact that I have had my nose stuck in one of the most amazing books, unable to resurface my brain from the ideas that are trembling within the pages. The notable curiosity that I managed to go so long without writing at all, here or most anywhere else, to let those rumbling thoughts out before they burst through my sternum and let my heart be splayed along the gravelstone like an archeologist’s dream display of beauty. Or is it the fact that somehow, I feel as though my head is constantly in a confused state of “Inception” wondering where dreams end and reality begins and if I could find that beautiful red cord that ties us all together what would I do with it? I do not know the answer to life’s questions. I can only come up with more. 

I have the answers, but I’m failing the waiting test.

Lately, I feel like my relationship with God has been a roller-coaster. I’m trying to hang on tight, and have been having some wonderful highs along the way. But the last few months there have been a lot of lows. I feel like I’ve been given a difficult test, and most days I’m struggling to pass it. 

When we got married, my husband and I agreed that he would wait for me to finish up my associates and then we would go away to school together and get our bachelor degrees. We had looked at a private college and fell in love with the way they did things. But we are not in debt, and the thought of going away to a college that was so extremely expensive and would definitely land us with years worth of debt didn’t seem right. And we made the decision. It wasn’t right, at least not then. We knew that God had other plans for us. 

As we began waiting for an answer about where we should head next, I was comforted by knowing that I would not find the next step until I graduated. God knew my mind was already overloaded with the five classes I was taking, so I was patient, knowing the answer would come eventually. 

Once school ended, I made the mistake of believing that what would come next would magically appear in my head right away. A week after finals, I looked at my husband with tears mixed with a little bit of anger. “I’m anxious and frustrated because I feel like I should be hearing what we are going to be doing next, but I’ve heard nothing. Am I missing something?” He giggled a little and told me that just because God was going to tell us after I graduated doesn’t mean the solution was going to appear within the week. He could not have been more right. And I was embarrassed at my foolishness. 

So, I did some more waiting. 

But my frustration was growing. I knew in my heart I was supposed to be patient. That it’s all about the waiting PROCESS and in the mean time I was supposed to smile and know that God had my back. After all, it says in Matthew that if He takes care of the birds how much more will He take care of me? 

So it has been a constant battle. 

I know I am supposed to wait, I am trying to be patient in waiting, but I’m failing because I feel like I’m trapped in limbo. 

The other week I was telling God about this. Explaining how I didn’t know what to do, or where I was supposed to go. And I felt His warm hand on my shoulder and his quiet whisper say: “I haven’t told you what you are supposed to do next because you are already doing it. You need to learn to love others like I have loved, so that you can learn to love yourself.” For a while, I have felt that I was placed at my current job because I have made a large impact on the people I work with. A few weeks ago, God actually gave me some specific names of people I need to connect with. I really liked these people to begin with, so it isn’t as though my friendship would not be genuine, I just know now that if I am faithful with asking for His assistance in these relationships, the Holy Spirit will guide me. Not to get too off track, but I feel like God has captivated some people in his desire for them to know they are his Beloved. He has called them by name and brings people into their life to know they have been chosen. His love had no boundaries, and He will go to any length to make them see this love, even if that means using me in every way He can. And I can’t wait to be his vessel, to show other people that they are His beloved. 

But besides knowing I am supposed to love others, I know nothing else. I’m struggling to understand what to do with my time. If I am being completely honest, I have ten to fifteen people at any time that I have promised to hang out with soon. I also have a marriage to balance, and a life. His life, one I want to give to Him completely, no holds back. My husband has been extremely understanding of me over the years, and I could not ask for anything better. I wonder how Jesus managed his time when he was on earth. Clearly people all over were attracted to Him, and wanted to His help or to hear His wisdom. I just wish I could find out the perfect balance for everything, and set proper boundaries.  

I sort of feel like God has put me in one of those funny mazes without an end until the realization of what He has in store for us has hit me. And then the enemy thought it would be funny to add confusion to the mix to make my head spin. I know I’m supposed to love others. Got it. Check! Working on it every single day. 

When people ask me what my husband and I are going to do now that I’m done with school I try to find comfort in telling them that we are “waiting on God.” Someone asked us if we weren’t supposed to be helping ourselves for God to help us. To which I replied that the Israelites waited 40 years to reach the promised land. I will wait as long as I have to to be captivated completely by Him.

But see what I said about my head going around in circles? It’s already going that direction in this post. 

I was reading this book by Joyce Meyers called “The Battlefield of the Mind”. Last night I got to the conditions of the mind, and the book was saying that confusion is a tactic by the enemy to make us distracted from the voice of God. We can’t hear him when our mind is all over the place. It also said that wondering about things too often and for too long is not a good thing to do either. And I started tearing up. I prayed, hoping that I would be free of these abnormalities in my head, because I only want to be committed to the path ahead. 

Are you beginning to see where all of my frustration is coming from? I see that there is goal ahead. I know in the meantime I’m supposed to be loving people with a big heart. I know I’m supposed to be listening for the voice of God in the darkness, and I’m doing an alright job. But stupid things called life get in the way and I don’t know how I still have a head on my shoulders or what turn I’m supposed to be making in the maze I’m trapped in.  

All I know is that sometime in the future I see myself being a big time writer. I see myself on stage in front of thousands of people, reading poetry that has been handed to my brain cells by the hand of God. So I’m taking the time now to develop my writing skill, to write all of the thoughts that are swarming around in my brain every day. This alone is a task. 

I’m praying to find a balance. Writing, friends, work, and husband. Oh, and the other duties life says an adult should complete. 

I don’t what I’m asking for in this post. Maybe someone else to tell me they’ve felt the same thing. To feel some answers. Some revelation. To know that my friendships are working. Some encouragement. Something. I’m sick of not feeling ANYTHING, of feeling empty, of feeling blank about now. I’m sick of looking ahead and not focusing on now. I know the right answers, yet I’m somehow failing this test anyways.