Struggles in a new city

Here, time flies by. I take each day as I can, swallowing the occasional sadness that comes from a deep homesickness. I do not know where this comes from. I know the memories I am about to make are probably far greater than the fistful of laughter I remember from my home city. And yet parts of me ache for things I never had, which is weird. I guess this feeling hasn’t exactly been foreign to me. Yet, I still believe I am clinging on to the imagined scenarios of myself I wish I had experienced. The acceptance, and the welcoming, mostly. In being different, I somehow always seemed to find myself feeling left out. Left out of the conversations and the understandings. Like I had never managed to grow up past the age of ten, and I was foolish for expecting that other adults would see that, I, too, had become one as well, and deserved to be told how they felt about me. It’s not like I wanted in on the gossip, but just the understanding and the knowledge that comes with being part of one unit, of an entity greater than myself. 

I’m still struggling to find a job. And it’s okay for now. I keep knowing that whatever is supposed to happen, will. And it’s not the fear that my God won’t come through at just the right moment (I know that He doesn’t show up a moment too late or a second too early in our struggles), but I fear that I myself might not be doing enough for Him to work with. I know that I believe that He does not help those who help themselves, but I believe that we have to do something for him to be able to develop. I can’t sit on my ass and hope that He magically creates some beautiful future for me. I have to fight through the fear, push into faith, and struggle through each aspect of my faith. He knows this. 

It’s human nature for many of us to want to do what we can to right the world, to fight for the future WE believe we deserve, and to put into works what we want. But sometimes we just plain don’t know what we want. We couldn’t know what we want because these truths have not been revealed to us. So we sit and wait and press our palms together hoping that we will be able to find the treasure hidden for us on the end of the path that has been carved into the forest just for us. A path that has our names on it. You see, we each were given a path. We all have a future mapped out, a destiny, per say. And gifts–things we are so very good at–that we are supposed to use to change the world in some way. It may be simple. Maybe our gift is our compassion and our need to help those around us. Our path may be slow steps to being a light in someone else’s life. But we would not be able to see this path without the help of some divine spirit. 

So I believe that I must do my part to find my path, to push through the forest for the trees, and to fight, to always fight, for the use of the gifts I have been given. That’s my duty. And I worry, that right now I’m not doing enough. I’m trying to apply for jobs when I can, but as far as resumes go, I don’t exactly know what I’m doing. Having worked entry level positions my whole life, it’s different for me to not simply fill out an application online, but to formulate a complicated process of words and letters to explain just what I learned and did at my old jobs. I had put down what I felt were challenges to me at my old jobs–what I had learned and fought through–because I thought that it would give others a good sense of the type of person I am. Until my husband told me that while he completely understood the point of view I had been trying to display, to others it might look like I was complaining about the challenges I had faced. I’ve decided to keep those to myself until I interview. I guess that might stay off any confusion on their part. 

The other challenge I have faced is not knowing exactly why I am here. I know I was sent here so I could use my gifts. Meet people. Start reaching towards my dreams. 

A few weeks ago I was lying in bed, honestly overwhelmed and scared for the future, and for the things that we ahead. Often, He talks to me in the quiet times, in the pauses when my heart beats fear and confused. Suddenly, I heard Him say, “Remember when you felt weak and hopeless? I will use you to speak to thousands. Be bold in the faithfulness of my promises.” And I smiled, because He has shown me this in a vision. Because I have held tight to this promise, this small glimpse into my future, and have remained strong in the face of all adversaries. 

I’m so tired of being weak. Of finding myself drowning beneath humanity and the expectations I have of my future. I don’t know what to expect. Who or where I am supposed to be meeting others. And this is why I feel like maybe I’m not doing enough for Him. That I’m not getting out enough. Maybe I’m not pushing myself when I feel exhausted from the newness of a different way of life. 

I don’t really know how else to explain it. To express the tumult of thoughts that threaten to assault me daily. I sometimes lie in the quiet and hear my heart beating a symphony of fears and expressions of unknowns I haven’t accounted for. I over-analyze everything. Feel myself sometimes gasping for air in an empty room, like the expectations I have placed around my neck are too tight, and all I need, all I fucking need is one moment to breathe. Just a moment to breathe. 

I find myself in a torrent. The teetering of finding myself on the brink of change and staring into the light that is my future, clouded by a myriad of questions. Of unknowns. How do I navigate? 

 

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The Importance of faith in a “me-oriented” world.

I just want to take a moment to talk about the rewards of continuing to grow a strong faith in your relationship with your maker. I feel that so many times we are focused on our needs, that we become unaware that our faith desperately needs to be revamped. Our faith has the constant potential to become a powerful tool to move us in ways we would otherwise be unable to accomplish on our own. And while it is not wrong to ask God to help us out when we are struggling and just need some money to make it through the next set of bills, or to pray that will we be blessed with a new car that doesn’t stall every time an important day comes up, our faith should be exercised in a wider range of ways than our own selfish needs. Sometimes, we ask for things because we want them, not because they are a need, and that’s not always wrong, but maybe if this is how we think it is time for a perspective change of sorts.

I have been listening to a group of messages about this topic the last few weeks and putting into practice some life-changing beliefs about faith. First of all, I think that people sometimes fall under the confusion that says, we should do everything in our power to make our lives work out, and then when we cannot do something we should ask God for that item. More like “God helps those who help themselves.” The problem with this mentality is that there are a lot of flaws that come with that plan. For starters, we each are like horses with a pair of blinders on. We can see the path ahead, and the plans that we have made for our five year hopes and so on. We have the ability to know some things, to see some destinations ahead and to walk towards them. However, we cannot see to the left or to the right unless we turn that way, and in this we are prevented from seeing in all directions at once. God can see all things, forwards backwards and sideways. He  is able to know when a car is whizzing ever quickly towards us.

If we allow ourselves to only be tuned into our plans, dreams, and desires, and then focus on Him when we feel we are struggling, we will not get very far. He wants the only best for us, and I have a small feeling that when we do not listen to Him, all the time, He will do everything in His power to draw us to Him even if that means we have to go through some circumstances that derail us from our originally intended path. Do not be upset, because this is His way of ensuring we are not run over by the car coming towards.

On the other hand, if we step out into faith every single day, we allow ourselves to be opened up to His plan and only His plan every day. It does not mean that our path will be easy, it does not mean that we will flawlessly do everything He requests of us each time either. What it does mean is that instead of wandering around, hoping that our five year plan for our career or our family will work out, it means that we have now been given the opportunity to tune into the daily plan He has for us. Maybe that does not mean having children in the next ten years, but imagine how much different our lives would be if we had not tuned into that blessing? We might not be able to have everything we want, but there is an entire new level of blessing we are given if we our faithful, I promise each one of you.

Secondly, if we are consumed with helping ourselves, we might miss the chance to see the others in need all around us. I am not perfect, I often have selfish moments and I am trying to work on that. But tuning into the Holy Sprit has given me so many opportunities on a daily basis to connect with those around me and bring restoration to their lives as well. If we want to leave a legacy for others to admire and respect after we are gone, just think about it. Some of the most remembered characters in the Bible were faithful in every circumstance to their Lord. For Noah, there had never been rain before, and here God had instructed him to gather supplies and build an ark because the world would be covered in a flood–one hundred years later. Can you imagine the torture of being made fun of every single day for following the ultimate plan of the Father? Like I said, definitely not easy, but here thousands of years later we teach about his faithfulness. If he had been unwilling to listen, we would not be here today. Just let that sink in a moment.

Living a life that is faithful, every day, to a higher power can be terrifying. I was told a while back that after school was over, we would figure out what to do next. My husband and I had been looking at going away to school, but then some things happened that made us reconsider that plan after all. God instructed us that we would have something big happen after that, but we weren’t sure what that looked like. After a few weeks, I became distraught, not understanding why the answers weren’t clear to me right away. But after listening to these messages I felt His hand on my soul telling me that it doesn’t matter what I’m supposed to do, it matters that I am, right now, in His presence. The more time that I spend daily removing my focus on me, and how I feel, and place it on Him, begging Him to fill me with more of Him and less of me, the more that I am rewarded with the blessings of overwhelming peace. I was so stressed out every.single.day, and now, while stress does still creep up a lot, I feel rewarded with a much larger sense of peace in all things. Because I know I am ultimately listening to the one who not only knows me best but knows just what should happen ahead at all times. There is positively no feeling like this one. And if you are longing for peace, struggling to find it, please understand it is attainable.

I will write more on this later, but I hope right now this gave some perspective to chew on. I know this topic is not easy, but it is so very worth it in every way to delve into the promises that we have been given if we are faithful in everything. Even if we do not receive the fruit of these blessings in our lifetime, they might be passed down. But the truth of the matter is it should not be about the blessing, but the heart process it takes to get to the destination. Our lives will be able to impact the world if we allow the whisperings of our maker into our every day existence.